Why I’m Saying Goodbye to Antidepressants
I've been on antidepressants for a year and a half, and it's time to bring this period of my life to a close.
Every morning for the last eighteen months, I've popped 50mg of sertraline, forcing my brain to secrete the serotonin he had ceased creating on its own. And because I've been doing this, I've been able to function at a normal level, continuing my career and working on the root causes of my problems.
But here's the thing. Despite knowing how much they have helped me, I've wanted to be off these pills since Day One. Because as much as I've needed them, they've left me unable to know where I end and the drugs begin.
And so I've decided it's time for me to come off antidepressants.
First off, let me just say I understand that coming off mental health medication is not for everyone. I don't want anyone to feel like I'm shaming them for wanting or needing to stay on medication.
This is my story and no one else's. And my personal journey with antidepressants has always been one with a hoped-for final destination.
Antidepressants and Me
I've written elsewhere about the journey that led me to start taking antidepressants. Sertraline has been a lifesaver for me. When I started them, I was dealing with my marriage ending, selling my house, being made redundant, and, of course, a whole goddamn global pandemic! I was still functioning, but not at a sustainable level. I needed help. And so, after three months of therapy, when my therapist recommended I start taking medication, I jumped at the chance.
And it helped. After a month or so of side effects, I found I was able to be creative again. I was able to process thoughts in a way that meant I could work on my issues rather than simply recognise them. Yes, it's been a bumpy road. The road to recovery often is. But it's a road I needed to travel and could only do so while on the medication.
But there are other side effects to antidepressants. Ones you don't see on the warning leaflet.
Who Am I?
Here's the thing; I have no idea who I am anymore.
My life has changed significantly in the last two years. Before the pandemic, I had been married for over a decade to someone I'd been with almost all my adult life. I lived with the subconscious certainty I would be with my partner for the rest of our lives. I was a homeowner with long-term plans for what I wanted to do to our house. I was a professional project manager, managing a wonderful team of people under me and earning enough for a more than comfortable life.
Today, that person no longer exists. My marriage ended. I've sold my house and am renting once again. And I've completely changed careers to one that's far more satisfying but involves being alone all day and makes a fraction of what I used to earn.
I am a different person.
It's taken me a chunk of time and a whole lot of work with my therapist to process all this change. It's been good, and it's been healthy. But it's left me facing the fact I'm a whole new "Me". And before I can work out where I go next in life, I need to get to know the "Me" I have become.
I Want to Know Who I Am
Over the last year, one or two people who know me best have pointed out that, in some ways, I'm not the same person I used to be. An ex-girlfriend, for example, has told me the person she knows now is not the one who walked up to her in a bar and just started talking to her.
What's brought about this change? Is it the medication evening me out? Does its method of keeping me from hitting the lows also prevent me from reaching the highs? Or maybe I'm just a more introverted person than I was two years ago.
I need to know who I am. Ultimately, this is why I've decided to come off my antidepressants. Even if it doesn't work out in the long term, I've reached the point in my recovery where I have to at least try walking without crutches.
So, What's Next?
This won't be a sudden change. You don't simply come off brain-altering drugs with a snap of your fingers.
First, I discussed it with my therapist. This is actually the third time I've brought up coming off my medication. On both previous occasions, he made it clear he didn't believe I was ready. But this time, he agreed that I was in a better place. I have no major changes or upheavals coming up. My life has settled down to a point where we both consider it safe to begin weaning myself off my antidepressants. So throughout June and July, I will be taking one pill every other day, rather than daily.
Next, I've made sure I've considered the three possible outcomes:
Everything works out fine, and I never need antidepressants ever again. This is, of course, the best-case scenario.
On the other hand, it might not work at all. I might get halfway through the process and realise I'm going straight back to where I was. In this case, I will accept I'm not ready to come off medication.
Or things might end up going well, only for me to find myself back in a bad place at some point in the future. In which case, I may have to go back on medication.
Obviously, I would like things to go smoothly. But if either of the other two comes about, I'm prepared to accept I'm not ready to go on without this particular support. It'll be a hard pill to swallow (pun not intended but left in), but I'll deal with it. And at least I'll know.
I'm excited to be off my medication.
Part of this is because, at least for me, it's a milestone towards getting through this tough period in my life. I always wanted antidepressants to be a finite period in my life and saw the idea of coming off them one day as a sign I was healing.
But the larger part is that it will give me back the ability to say, "This is me". To be able to look at my personality and habits, both the bad and the good, and know that it's not some side effect from medication but simply who I am.
So wish me luck, and keep your fingers crossed. Because hopefully, I'm finally ready to get to know myself once again.
