I've been on antidepressants for a year and a half, and it's time to bring this period of my life to a close. I've decided it's time for me to come off antidepressants.

For the last year and a half, I have been taking a daily 50mg dose of Sertraline, a common antidepressant. But why? How did I get to a point where I believed I needed chemicals to alter my brain in order to be happy?

50mg Sertraline, taken daily, has lifted a cloud from my brain. While I don’t feel 100% at my best, it’s allowed me to embrace my creativity again. I’m able to plan out a full day of work. I can think again. 

But this ability to function doesn’t mean I’m not still depressed. 

It would appear that my depression is making a comeback. I’ve been doing really well for the last few weeks, but everything feels like it’s sliding backward.

Since the end of last year, I’ve been on anti-depressants. To be honest, this is what I wanted when I started therapy back in the summer. But a few years ago my attitude would have been very different.

Sometimes my favourite book of the year is one that had the best story. Or maybe its one that displayed the most engaging writing. Or perhaps it will have introduced me to a new writer I know I’m going to love.In 2020, it’s a book that was exactly what I needed at exactly the time I read it: Hazel Hayes’ "Out of Love"

Do I need structure, or do I need freedom? Am I using structure as a cage to hide myself from new possibilities that might be scary or hard? Am I using it to give myself a sense of utility, and therefore meaning to other people? Or is this how I get things done?

Reading and writing are hard. They shouldn’t be hard. They’ve never been hard before. Why are they hard? What do you do when the things that make you the happiest become so hard to do that you begin to wonder if they are worth it?

I’m depressed. I keep telling myself that I’m better than I was. That the last five months have been a slow but steady improvement and I just need to keep pushing. But that’s not true. I’m still just as bad as I was then. All that’s changed is I’m learning to cope better, and I’m accepting there is light at the end of the tunnel.