“polywise: A Deeper Dive in Navigating Open Relationships” By Jessica Fern with David Coole
This review was originally posted at DiscoveringPolyamory.com
Between this book and her previous book, polysecure, I have become a big fan of Jessica Fern's work. And of the two, in my opinion, polywise is the superior book, offering easy-to-digest breakdowns of some of the root causes of the problems many of us suffer through when opening up our relationships and the advice and frameworks needed to navigate them.
As polyamory continues to make its way into the mainstream, more and more people are exploring consensual non-monogamy in the hope of experiencing more love, connection, sex, freedom and support. While for many, the move expands personal horizons, for others, the transition can be challenging, leaving them blindsided and overwhelmed.
Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern and restorative justice facilitator David Cooley share the insights they have gained through thousands of hours working with clients in consensually non-monogamous relationships. Using a grounded theory approach, they explore the underlying challenges that non-monogamous individuals and partners can experience after their first steps, offering practical strategies for transforming them into opportunities for new levels of clarity and intimacy. Polywise provides both the conceptual framework to better understand the shift from monogamy to non-monogamy and the tools to navigate the next steps.
Sometimes, when reading books on polyamory and non-monogamy, it's easy to feel detached. They will focus on broad topics in a way that means you don't necessarily connect with you personally or are books that discuss polyamory as a concept to be studied rather than reflecting your personal experience.
Not polywise. When I was reading this book, I felt like I was reading about myself.
Now, maybe it's just that, with polywise, Fern just happens to have picked areas that match my own personal experiences, meaning that I resonated with them more than some other readers might. For example, one chapter discusses an issue that directly impacted me a lot when I first opened up my relationships. But I think the truth is that Fern is, through her years of experience, simply an expert in seeing the universal trends in relationships and ethical non-monogamy.
Something I have found while learning more about polyamory is that there are certain problems and stumbling blocks that a majority of us all go through. And if I can see that when just browsing the internet and talking to friends, imagine how much Fern has seen the same thing in her career. And while someone like me simply sees the common experiences, Fern has the education and expertise to actually recognise the root causes of these problems and how to work on ourselves to fix them.
But the best thing about these books is how Fern has managed to hit the sweet spot for academic knowledge and a layman's understanding. As much as I recommend Fern's previous book, polysecure, I found it hard at times to get through the psychology. I know others disagree with me and found it incredibly easy to understand, but I personally struggled. But with polywise I didn't have the same problem at all. Everything was explained in a way that felt easy to read without ever feeling like it had been oversimplified. That doesn't mean it was an easy read, though. This was definitely a book where once I had read one section, I had to step away to digest what I had just read. You're taking in a lot of knowledge that needs to be processed. Now that I've finished it, I'll give it a few weeks to settle in my brain and reread it to better focus on the smaller details.
My final point on polywise is that while it may be framed and intended as a guide to people working on opening up their relationships, it's teaching skills that will be useful to anyone looking to improve their relationship, whether polyamorous or monogamous. I write about this a lot, but polyamorous relationship skills are just universal relationship skills applied to non-monogamy. When Fern writes about identifying and addressing the root issues in our relationships that cause problems in transitioning to non-monogamy, they are issues that also cause problems in relationships that remain monogamous. While some of her more practical advice might not be applicable to monogamous couples, it still gives them a starting point to adapt for their own use.
Polywise definitely joins my list of recommendations for anyone looking for resources to help them open up their relationship.
However, it wouldn't be the first book I would say to read, and it wouldn't be one that I would recommend to someone who was simply curious and wanted to learn more before making the leap. I think polywise is best suited for people who have already made the decision to begin their journey and are looking to work on their foundations and identify the cracks before they grow too big.
But I also recommend polywise to anyone who simply wants to learn more about the psychology of relationships. Fern packs a lot into this book, and if you're a student of psychology, professionally or just as a hobby, Fern will give you a lot of strings to pull on to begin your own research.
