“Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and Domestic” by Esther Perel
This is the first of Esther Perel's books I've actually read and boy can I see why she's such a big name. It took me three months to finish this book because every time I read any of it, I kept having to stop to make notes along the way.
Esther Perel takes on tough questions, grappling with the obstacles and anxieties that arise when our quest for secure love conflicts with our pursuit of passion. She invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home.
In this explosively original book, Perel explains that our cultural penchant for equality, togetherness, and absolute candor is antithetical to erotic desire for both men and women. Sexual excitement doesn't always play by the rules of good citizenship. It is politically incorrect. It thrives on power plays, unfair advantages, and the space between self and other. More exciting, playful, even poetic sex is possible, but first we must kick egalitarian ideals and emotional housekeeping out of our bedrooms.
I picked up this book as part of my ongoing self-education into relationships. But I will admit I also had a more personal motive. I've had a fifteen-year long domestic relationship end in the last couple of years and a two-year long one end in the last couple of months. And so, I was very interested in learning more about the problems between the domestic and erotic elements of a relationship.
I've known of Esther Perel for some time now. If you study relationships in any way, her name will come up eventually. Any recommended reading list around the nature of relationships will include something she's written. But this is the first of her books I've actually read. And boy, can I see why she's such a household name.
Mating in Captivity is set out as a series of case studies of couples Perel has worked with during her 20 years of experience as a relationship therapist. Rather than setting things out in a clinical, unappealing way, she sets out the personalities of each client and then the problems that are occurring in their relationships. Then she goes through the processes she went through with each of them to work through these.
There is so much to learn here about relationships. Each case study is different, yet they all feel universal. I doubt anyone who's been in a long-term relationship can't find something from each story that applies to their own relationship in some way.
I really recommend Mating in Captivity. This is one of those books that makes me sad that most people only look to read them once they are already in trouble. This should be required reading for young adults looking forward to forming life-long connections. It would be so much healthier to learn the points Perel highlights in advance rather than waiting until it's potentially too late.
