Why I’ve Started Therapy

It would seem like it’s a simple answer here. My marriage has ended. I’m going through a separation. The end of a long-term relationship is a traumatic experience.

But, as always in life, there’s more to my decision than that. What the last few months have done is given me the opportunity to really look at myself and the things I recognise need addressing.

I always had the belief that my problems were not that serious

My history with therapy isn’t extensive. It’s never been something I’ve been against, per se. But I’ve always been affected by that feeling that only people with “real” problems need therapy.

But what is a “real” problem? That’s the issue, really. If we’re not mired in the old prejudice that therapy is something shameful - which I’m lucky to say I’m not - there is still that feeling that your problems aren’t real enough. I might have problems, but they’re not that serious. Other people have much bigger issues compared to mine. What right have I to complain?

My journey to therapy

Therapist 1

I first went to therapy about six years ago, when my then-partner was going through major medical issues. This had taken over our lives, but while I was prioritising her needs she recognised that I needed someone to talk to as well.

It was good for me. Talking to someone did me a lot of good, but I wasn’t really there with a goal in mind. I was there to keep my partner happy. I wasn’t seeing it from the point of view of a tool I could use to better myself. Which is why I only went for a few weeks before stopping.

Therapist 2

I next went to therapy a little over a year ago. This was at a time when - I see now in hindsight - the first stages of the end of the marriage were developing. I only really went because my partner pushed me. I was still in that mindset that my problems weren’t that big.

I found a different therapist this time. One I could walk to from walk. And this showed that picking a therapist due to proximity is not a good idea. They had never heard of polyamory (what therapist hasn’t even heard of polyamory?) and gave me no feedback at all. I did not go back.

Therapist 3

This was the first time I proactively looked out therapy for a specific purpose. After we made the decision to end the marriage, I was obviously in a bad place. But I also had company health insurance that would cover therapy!

This therapist was a lot better. While the list I had to choose from was limited by who was covered by my insurance, they had at least heard of polyamory. This time, having a need to address, the sessions were very beneficial. They helped me process the separation and set up techniques to move forward in a healthy way. I had eight sessions with this therapist. I might have had more, but through redundancy lost my insurance.

Therapist 4 (current)

Having had this beneficial experience, I had reached a point where I was ready to accept that my problems were worth addressing. Yes, people in the world were in much worse places than me, but that doesn’t mean my issues aren’t valid.

I was now looking at the idea of long-term therapy with an actual goal going in. As I suppose is natural after any big life change, I had been doing a lot of thinking about who I was. Who had been at the start of our relationship? How had my personality affected my marriage from the start? Which of those elements had contributed to things ending?

I wanted to be the best version of Me. This involves recognising my issues. My core negative beliefs. And, above all, to recognise and admit to the things I want in life. Not the things I’ve been conditioned to think I want, or what I think other people want to want, but what I really want my lifestyle to look like.

This time, I didn’t want someone unfamiliar with my lifestyle. I didn’t want to have potential therapists trying to hint non-monogamy was the cause of my problems. So I had a search online and found Pink Therapy, a resource for people looking for a therapist specialising in LGBTQ+ and alternate relationship models. So did a search of therapists who focused on polyamory in London, and started reviewing.

By this time I had learned about the importance of trying out therapists. It’s an important relationship, and you want someone who gels with you. I sent out a few emails and set up trial sessions with two who had availability. One of them I felt I’d clicked with, and in November we began our sessions.

I want to address the core issues that hold me back

So, after all that backstory, why am I in therapy?

Essentially, I want to address the core issues that hold me back. I have always had severe issues with confidence, especially when it comes to relationships. Going forward into my polyamorous life, I want to enjoy dating and meeting new people. But in the past I’ve found this very hard. I’ve never been someone with a lot of female attention, and I know a lot of that is down to my own issues with confidence. Deep down, I assume someone won’t be interested in me so I never really try. Classic self-sabotage.

Each relationship I’ve had in life has only really come about when the girl I like has made it explicitly clear they were interested. Better to never try, my brain told me, than to risk a rejection that my fragile self-confidence couldn’t take. And as much as I’m more confident and comfortable with myself now, those issues will always be there, lurking, their insidious influence leaking into all my future interactions unless I proactively address them.

And yes, I’m framing this a lot from a point of view of gaining new relationships. That's because the trigger for getting therapy has been a relationship. But these issues seep into my life in other ways. I’ve never been particularly confident and find it hard to put myself forward. Things like promoting or marketing myself, be it personal or professional, are a barrier I find it hard to get past. I assume failure, that no-one could possibly be interested in what I have to say, and so prevent myself from trying.

This is why finding the right therapist is important

And my new therapist understands my issues and worries. As I said, it’s important to find someone you gel with. I feel he understands me and my experience. He’s the right amount of friendly, while still giving the impression that he knows what he’s talking about. I wouldn’t work well with someone who simply listened, encouraging me to work things out on my own. He leads me, nudging me in the right direction to my realisations. He knows the right ways to phrase things to make me understand what I’m trying to say. He can pull out the relevant words from my rambling paragraphs and make me focus on the salient points.

For example, in my last session, I felt I was just rambling for half an hour and we weren’t really going anywhere. Then he just presented my two core negative beliefs that he’d extrapolated from everything I’d said and laid them out to me.

This is why finding the right therapist is important. You might get the most acclaimed, respected, renowned therapist of all time, but if they don’t gel with your personality you won’t get the benefit you could be with someone else.

Therapy can be hard to approach when you don’t think your problems are really worth it

So what held me back for so long? Therapy can be hard to approach when you don’t think your problems are significant. Whether you are unable to face the problems you have or, like me, find it hard to accept that your problems are important enough for someone else to care about, there will be a block in getting help.

Also, it’s expensive. I do believe that everyone should go to therapy, even if it’s only something like twice a year, just to get a tune-up. To check-in and see if things are developing in your life that need deeper work. But it costs money. That’s always been another one of the things holding me back. There’s a reason I only seriously started therapy when I had a health insurance plan that would cover it.

It’s only now when a specific event in my life has triggered a need to look deeper at myself and who I am, that I’m looking at this as a cost that needs to be met.

So, when it all boils down, this is what I want. To start untying some of those knots that snarl-up inside me and hold me back. To recognise who I am and what I want. And to have the confidence and capability to actively pursue the things I want, rather than trying to make myself fit in with what I perceive those around me want me to be.

Ultimately, I want to be mentally healthy and life my best life. I think we’re all entitled to that. It takes some work.

What are you stories of therapy? What brought you to it? What’s held you back?

“The Evening and the Morning” by Ken Follett

“The Man in the Picture” by Susan Hill