“Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy” by Jessica Fern
I found Polysecure to be one of those books that had some really intelligent and insightful things to say. You just need the stamina to be able to process everything it hands you.
Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern extends attachment theory into the realm of consensual nonmonogamy. Using her nested model of attachment and trauma, she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships. Then, she sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships. Polysecure is both a theoretical treatise and a practical guide.
Polysecure was a book that I saw being recommended all around the polyamorous community in 2021. People were singing its praises left, right, and centre. To believe everything I was hearing, this was the greatest book ever written about polyamory. Finally, someone had written something that made this whole confusing lifestyle make sense.
Now, I don’t want anything I say in this review to belittle Fern’s work. It is indeed an incredibly smart book and very useful to anyone exploring polyamory, or relationships in general for that matter. But I can’t say that it completely lived up to the hype.
Now, I have a feeling this may be due to me rather than the book itself. I think perhaps how well you will get on with Polysecure will depend on how your brain works.
You see, what Fern explores in this book is the connection between Attachment Theory and ethical non-monogamy. Traditionally, Attachment Theory has only been applied to monogamous relationships, but Fern’s work is all about showing how it can be just as equally applied to non-monogamy.
And for the layman to understand all of this, Fern first needs to teach us all Attachment Theory. And so, the first half of this book feels very academic, and I personally found it a slog getting through it.
And this is the problem with a book like this; you need to get the balance of science versus readability just right. Clearly, a lot of people had a much easier time than me. And my partner, who has actually studied psychology, complained that it had actually been dumbed down too much.
At the end of the day, despite my own difficulty taking things on board in the first half of this book, I can only heartily recommend it to anyone exploring polyamory, or even just relationships in general. Fern is taking something that has been seen for too long as only applicable to monogamous relationships and showing how it’s something far more encompassing that people have thought. If you read Polysecure, you’re going to learn a lot.
