“Is Monogamy Dead?” by Rosie Wilby
This book doesn't do a great job of presenting itself. Firstly, I'll say for a fact that the title is misleading. It's an eye-grabbing, controversy-baiting headline, originally chosen to get people to buy tickets for a stand-up show. But once you get into it, what you get is a fascinating biographical deep dive into the nature of modern relationships and how most of us don't actually understand them.
In early 2013, comedian Rosie Wilby found herself at a crossroads with everything she'd ever believed about romantic relationships. When people asked, 'who's the love of your life?' there was no simple answer. Did they mean her former flatmate who she'd experienced the most ecstatic, heady, yet ultimately doomed, fling with? Or did they mean the deep, lasting companionate partnerships that gave her a sense of belonging and family? Surely, most human beings need both.
Mixing humour, heartache and science, Is Monogamy Dead? details Rosie's very personal quest to find out why Western society is clinging to a concept that doesn't work that well for some of us and is laden with ambiguous assumptions.
What is Is Monogamy Dead? about?
On the surface level, it's about a woman struggling to get over an old relationship, depicting years of emotional uncertainty until her ex-girlfriend provides closure.
But that would be a very trite and rather unfair description. In truth, this book is about one woman's journey to build a deeper understanding of the nature of relationships and whether what we grow up thinking we want is actually what we need.
I think that to get an honest understanding of Is Monogamy Dead? we need to acknowledge the nature of its creation. Wilby isn't a relationship expert, nor does she pretend to be. This book is a spin-off of a stand-up show. This doesn't mean it should be dismissed. Wilby has clearly put a lot of work into it, including a lot of cited research and interviews with experts. But I'm left with the feeling that she did her research in the same way I did for my university dissertation; she knows what she wants to conclude and finds research that backs up that pre-existing point of view.
But this isn't a problem because this isn't an academic work. Nor is it a self-help book for others in the same position as the author. Instead, it's more of a biography. In its pages, Wilby takes us through the issues that have always complicated her relationships - such as being gay, the nomadic nature of her career, and mental health - and the journey she undertook to understand and come to terms with them to finally allow herself to hold healthy relationships.
And while Is Monogamy Dead? is not designed to be educational, the nature of Wilby's journey is worth following. It shows us a woman going through a logical, healthy process when facing her problems. Unsatisfied in her current relationship and still hung up on past ones that failed, rather than spiralling and hurting herself and others, she goes on a journey to actively learn about relationships and tries to pinpoint what it is that has kept her away from long-term happiness.
And whatever you feel about how she did it or how she presents her story, the journey itself is what's important. Rather than accepting her dissatisfaction, she goes on a journey. She proactively questions everything, considering everything from polyamory to questioning the meaning of her own sexuality. And that's why I recommend this book. It might not be telling you anything practical for your own life, but it's showing that not only is it useful to examine the things in your life you've been taught to take for granted, but it's healthy too.
Is Monogamy Dead? is a bit of a strange creature. Despite its origins, it's not quite a comedy story. And despite its subject, it's not quite an academic or educational book. It's a strange hybrid of both, but once you get your head around it, it's very readable. Anyone who believes in questioning the status quo or feels they haven't managed to work out what they want from their relationships could do a lot worse than to pick this up.
