2020: Looking back, then forward

Well, 2020 can fuck off. 

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. 

Okay, if I have to be honest, my 2020 could have been a lot worse. A lot worse. It’s been shit, but I’ve not caught the plague - or if I did I had no symptoms - and neither has anyone I’m close to. And while I know a few people who have had it, I don’t know personally anyone who has died from it. 

In some very big ways, I am incredible lucky. 

But, lack of direct interaction with the cause of all this aside, my life has kind of fallen apart. Just for those of you not up to date we have: Gets put on furlough, marriage ends, puts house on market, gets made redundant, puts everything in storage and move in with parents, house sales falls through, six months of job applications go nowhere, depression. 

There. All caught up? 

I have to give the biggest shout out to Aine and my parents, who have been my saviours this year. 

My parents for taking me in, letting loaf around their house being depressed no questions asked. It’s made things a lot easier knowing I have this safety net. And, to be honest, it’s been nice spending time with my family. 

But Aine’s been an angel. Breakups in polyamory are strange things, but one of the benefits is having partners to help you through the loss of a partner. But I know helping me through a separation like this was never something she expected going in, and how strong and supportive she’s been through all this is something I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to have. 

2020, and things that have been

Okay, let’s ignore the garbage fire of a year, and just focus on a those points that we can be a little more positive about. 

I managed to get the first draft of A Better Thing We Do completed in the first month of lockdown. That’s currently in the draw, stewing in the back of my mind. I would have like to have worked in this more this year, but with everything else being creative was not as possible as I would have liked. 

It’s funny when I think back to that time. I was desperate to get the draft finished, as I didn’t want furlough and lockdown to end before I’d had the time to get the draft finished. If only I’d known how much time I would have…

But I do think I’ve managed to identify the problem with What They Really Know. You know, the manuscript I’ve been struggling with for over two years now. Well, I had had identifying the problem. It was pointed out to me that it felt like there were two separate stories battling each other; the coming-of-age elements, and the explicit horror elements. So I’m stripping down the horror and building up the character, and I have a good feelings. 

But more of that in 2021. 

On a personal side, I’ve started long term therapy. I’ve had a lot going on, and it’s all involved a lot of looking back at who I am, who I was, and what’s happened in between. Other than helping me just get through it all, I wanted to start therapy to start working on who I am. And also, who I want to be. 

They will be more posts on this coming up. Partly because I want to play a part in helping normalise therapy - amazingly there are still people out there made uncomfortable by it - and partly because I’m trying to start being a bit more open and relaxed about myself. I’ve never liked being someone who feels that need to share their entire life online, but it’s just as unhealthy to convince yourself no one cares about you and what you’re going through. 

Oh, and we started a podcast about burlesque, but I think it might be cursed. We released the first episode in March, just as all the venues were locked down. We then had a hiatus, as with everything else I didn't have the mental energy to handle it. And when did we relaunch? December, just as all the venues were locked down again! =

2021, and things that are to come

Right, let’s try and stay positive. Things are only going to get better, the sun will shine, families will be reunited, etc., etc…

The big thing, I suppose, is that I managed to get into the Faber Academy novel writing course. I’ve wanted to do this for a while, but its not cheap and required a hefty time commitment. But this year time is my main resource, and redundancy offers me the chance to invest in my career. I’m really looking forward to getting my teeth into writing again. I’m going to be working on the revamped What They Really Know - now retitled Upon The Stair. 

I’m also looking to get more into writing in general. It’s something I’ve not had the brainpower for the last 9 months or so, but I need to start flexing those muscles. I’d like to get more posts and articles out there about mental health and modern relationships. 

Other than that, I’m going to keep this section clear. After the last twelve months, stating big plans and ambitions is just tempting fate. I have plans, but part of keep my head above water includes giving myself the freedom to move and adapt them as necessary as the world continues to throw bubbles of misfortune in our paths. 

So here’s to hope, and a far better world in 2021.